SkinnySlim will be out of commission for the next week and a half. In the meantime, he will present some of his favorite songs from the history of time. "Hey," you say, "I want the hysterical and insightful writing of the 'Slim. Why are you cheating me?" Well, my friend, if you don't listen up, the only cheating going on will be the cheating you're doing to yo' self. Sucker.

SkinnySlim will be out of commission for the next week and a half. In the meantime, he will present some of his favorite songs from the history of time. "Hey," you say, "I want the hysterical and insightful writing of the 'Slim. Why are you cheating me?" Well, my friend, if you don't listen up, the only cheating going on will be the cheating you're doing to yo' self. Sucker.

SkinnySlim will be out of commission for the next week and a half. In the meantime, he will present some of his favorite songs from the history of time. "Hey," you say, "I want the hysterical and insightful writing of the 'Slim. Why are you cheating me?" Well, my friend, if you don't listen up, the only cheating going on will be the cheating you're doing to yo' self. Sucker.

You don't hear much about Hooked On Phonics anymore. For those of you who don't know, HOP was this home learning literacy program that was all up in my grill during the eighties and nineties. But now those ubiquitous ads touting the end to illiteracy have disappeared, much like illiteracy itself. I mean, if Hooked On Phonics isn't all up in my grill that must mean everyone can read, right? Wrong. It turns out that hundreds, if not thousands of people cannot read. This of course does not include you, because you are reading this right now, probably. You "readers" may feel no concern for the illiterate. But it's a huge problem, tremendous even. Because if one person can't read, that means one less person comes to BadmintonStamps. And less readers mean less ad dollars for SkinnySlim. And I like money. And steak. And strippers. And music. So do a mitzvah for your fellow man and have your illiterate friends dial 1-800-ABC-DEFG and order a circa 1989 copy of Hooked On Phonics. It's the only way I'm going to be able to get an exotic dancer to cook me a steak tonight while we grind to the strip club stylings of Belle & Sebastian. It's like my English professor used to say, "There is no pleasure more fulfilling than the joy of a good tease."

Comin' atcha first thing every Monday morning, it's The Pony Track, a super-fantastic short distance dedication to BadmintonStamps Collective founding member and internationally renown symbol for musical excellence Aaron "Pony" Child. No fancy links, no clever write-ups, 'cause these awesome songs don't need no splainin'. So c'mon, ride the pony!

The Long And Straight Road

I'm from New York City, where we don't sleep, take shit, or pour cheese on our vegetables. Seriously Rest of America, what up with that? Dousing your broccoli with velveeta or melted cow whatnot is straight up nasty. I may not be Kosher, cause there ain't nothing that goes better together than some meat and cheese, but I am Yorksher. It's the NYC diet laws, and the rules are simple: you must eat all nine ethnic food groups at least once every week, no more than one freezer item a month, Chinese food on Sunday, and you only mix dairy and greens when you're eating pizza or when it's top shelf parmigiano reggiano on a mesculin salad. Clearly my man Devin isn't representing the City on this one. More like his home state of Texas, where they drip fat on anything that could possibly be construed as healthy. And for the record, although it's not forbidden by the Yorksher rules, I don't eat the other thing Devin wants to serve with his broccoli and cheese.

Wallabelly

You're sleepy, like SkinnySlim. And you're worn down, like SkinnySlim. And you've been working too hard, like SkinnySlim. Well, what would SkinnySlim do? He'd ask any self respecting 1960s-70s dancilicious kickass band what they would do. They would tell him, "Tighten Up, bitch!" Tighten Up is official 1960s-70s dancilicious kickass band code for snap the hell outta it and get your scene together. So that's what we're going to do. We're going to have Maceo and the rest of James Brown's band tighten us up with one of my alltime favorite tracks ever put to wax. Then we're going to have Al Escobar tighten us up with some delicious Latin flavored funk. You think we done? Shit baby, we just getting started. By the time Billy Ball & The Upsetters are through with us, we're gonna be so tight that an all bran diet doesn't stand a chance.

Comin' atcha first thing every Monday morning, it's The Pony Track, a super-fantastic short distance dedication to BadmintonStamps Collective founding member and internationally renown symbol for musical excellence Aaron "Pony" Child. No fancy links, no clever write-ups, 'cause these awesome songs don't need no splainin'. So c'mon, ride the pony!

Ed Can Teach You

I woke up this morning, like I do every day, at 9:14am. I set my alarm for 9:14 on weekdays and for some non divisor of 5 on weekends (11:17, 12:03, 10:49, etc.) because waking up to an alarm on a divisor of 5 is bad luck in ancient Hindu tradition. And you guy know how I am about the ancient Hindis. Anyway, my alarm is this fancypants mahogany thing that was hand crafted by the Menocu company. Expensive shit. Speaking of which, could you all refresh your web browsers right now so I can make more ad money? Appreciated. So this Menocu Alarm clock allows me to pre-program songs to wake me up. I'm allowed 500 songs, but I only use three: "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, the cover of "Hurt" by Johnny Cash, and "I Want It That Way" by The Backstreet Boys. Today was a Backstreet day. As I lay in my four post soaking in the Carter, I came to a stunning realization. This song is crap. I know what you're thinking, "But, Slim, it's a beautifully crafted pop number with stunning vocalization from one of the most timeless acts of our time. Our time being the late nineties." True, sure, and word. But the message is all wrong. When I'm sexing up a woman, I want to hear her say, "I want it that a-way." Tell me what you need woman, and the Slim is happy to oblige. I'm going to give you want you want, with a little extra something something (usually involving silly string and electrical tape), but you gotta whisper/moan it into my good ear. Cause baby, whether it's at 9:14 in the am or 11:59 at night, I gots to have a honey who's gonna tell her wants to her Slim. And once we get started baby, I promise it'll only hurt a little.

Sweet Sweet Miss Moses writes in: "if you're taking requests, throw up some sweet sweet R Kelly for my man. I'm kinda feeling it today, and I know he feels it every day." I've been on a big Kells kick myself recently so I'm happy to oblige. Let's get flirtatious with that new shit.